Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Second Thoughts...

Handing Buddy over to his daycare teacher hasn't always been easy. It took a little while for him to be comfortable with his teachers. Then he moved to his new classroom and had to get to know them. He was fine for a while. Buddy would almost run out of our arms and off to play with his friends. But not so recently. I dropped him off this morning in tears. He just wanted mommy and daddy. I left him crying. It ruined my day.

I am Buddy's best care taker (ok, so The Hubs is too, but he has a real job that he's staying with at least for the near future). When he goes off to play freely with his friends, I'm fine leaving him at daycare while I work toward another degree that will, hopefully, lead to a career. But when he cries for me, it completely ruins my whole day and makes me question my choices. Is this degree worth it? Is this career path worth it? Is missing out on these precious years that I'll never get back worth it?

Self Portrait. I don't know how I leave this sweet face every morning.

How do I know what is the right path? What happens when all of my kids are school-aged and at school all day. If I get out of the career path now, there is no way I'll be able to get back into it 5 or 10 years from now. Or longer, depending on how many kids we have and their spacing. I don't want a job that only requires a high school education. I've worked hard to get my advanced degrees and want to use them. I think. What if I love being a stay at home mom now, but regret it later? How do people make this choice without pulling out all of their hair?!

I don't know what the right decision is. I can't see into the future to know how I'll feel in 10 or 20 years. It's a decision I think I am going to struggle with for a long time because it's a decision I just can't make right now. I don't know how.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I had any advice for you.

    On the one hand, I want to tell you to go become a giant in your field. The world needs all the women researchers it can get, motivating girls into the hard sciences and propelling us to a better future.

    On the other hand, you're 100% right. This time with Buddy is so limited, and so precious.

    There's no right answer. There's no wrong answer. There's just what's best for you, The Hubs, and Buddy.